Things I left off my résumé: Part 2

  • Dedication: I once binge-watched a 13-season television series on Netflix in six days.
  • Finance: Putting forth maximum effort to pay the minimum payment on my credit cards each month.
  • Passion: I’ve wished slow, painful deaths on no fewer than 17 NFL referees by yelling at them through the TV until my lungs bled.
  • Exploration: College was… interesting.
  • Restraint: Stopped watching Dexter at the end of Season 4 because I’d heard the last four seasons sucked shit. I know when to quit while I’m ahead. (RIP, Rita.)
  • Awareness: I always know exactly how many beers I have left in the fridge at any given time.
  • Generosity: Anyone who visits my house is given a free beer.
  • Cash-handling: Then I’ll charge them for the next one.
  • Thriftiness: I turn my condoms inside-out so they can be re-used.
  • Cleanliness: I’ll throw it away after its second use.

(Part I)

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Things I left off my résumé.

  • Efficiency: I can watch a 30-minute porn video in 2.
  • Retention: I once defeated my 2-year-old nephew in a How Many Cheerios Can You Fit in Your Mouth at Once contest 145 to 12.
  • Speed: I do speed. A lot of speed.
  • Proficiency: I have mastered the many uses of the very versatile word fuck.
  • Planning: I know on which side the Salvation Army bell-ringer stands at every grocery store within a 25-mile radius of my home, thus allowing no hesitation in determining where to park so I can avoid them.
  • Speeeeeeed.
  • Determination: I won’t stop until that 5-pound burrito is gone or I’m dead.
  • Restraint: In 10 years of Black Friday shopping, I’ve only killed six people. Two were in self-defense.
  • Speed speed speed.
  • Promptness: When I’m having sex I always finish early. If you aren’t first, you’re last!
  • Multitasking: I can poop, play Fruit Ninja and eat a cheeseburger at the same time.
  • Aptitude: I’m a know-it-all.
  • Linguistics: I love the proper use of grammar.
  • Culture: I’m a Nazi.
  • Culturally Linguistic: I’m a grammar Nazi
  • Hey man are you holding I have the need the need for SPEEEEEEEED.

As it turns out, there are stupid questions after all.

As it turns out, searching for part-time, single-digits-per-hour work is just as difficult as finding something that resembles a career.

As difficult.

More annoying.

I’m trying to find a part-time job to fill in the less productive gaps of my life where I lay on the couch under a blanket of Cheetos crumbs and wonder where I went wrong. So I figure, hey, I can spare another 20-30 hours a week if it means upgrading from dinners seasoned with the salt of my tears to dinners flavored with actual seasonings.

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Friday chant.

Meeting at 8? Ha
It’s Friday, motherfucker
I do what I want

The workweek haiku.

Looking for a job
Experience trumps degree
College was bullshit

Emailed resume
Never heard from company
Must’ve read my blog.

Woke up late for work.
Skip shower? Skip breakfast? Nah.
Fuck all that. Skip work.

Due for promotion
“Really need you where you are.”
Denied promotion.

Entry-level job
Two phone interviews later
“You’re not qualified.”

Work, therefore I drink
Need more money to buy beer
Drink, therefore I work