Sometimes I watch porn bloopers, because nothing masks the shame of jerking it to a chick with daddy issues getting railed quite like jerking it to a chick with daddy issues getting railed and totally fucking up the shoot somehow.

And then I started thinking about ideal porn blooper scenarios. The ones that, if there were an America’s Funniest Home Videos for porn, would win the $10,000 and go on to the $100,000 grand finale.

You know how if you’re eating or drinking something and you start laughing, that particular thing has the possibility of shooting out of your nose?

Okay, so what if there’s a chick going down on some dude, and just as he’s going Number Three in her mouth, he says something really out of character or funny, or maybe he tells her a quick joke in the process. You know, a little workplace humor. Because  everyone loves workplace humor.

So he tells her this joke, and it’s really funny. And I mean really fucking funny. So funny that she laughs so hard jizz shoots out of her nose.

Oh my God it would be hilarious.

I hate my brain.


Parallels: Serving, watching porn, and drugs.

My apologies, first off, for the misleading title. There will be no porn, nor will there be no drugs.

You probably won’t have to wait for anything either, though. So that’s cool.

While slaving away for the nation’s gluttonous, I started to think about some similarities being employed in a restaurant has to watching porn or doing drugs.

You could apply these things to other jobs as well, but since playing restaurant is all I know, I’m going with that.

So, you get hired in a restaurant and oh, my God is it the greatest place ever or what? The staff is super friendly and they joke around and have fun in the kitchen. You can’t believe how much of a great time you can get away with having while you’re at work. This is the first restaurant you’ve ever worked in, and the first night you get to go home with the money you made that same day, your mind is blown. Why didn’t I know about this sooner? You ask yourself, counting your cash. You can’t wait until you see your friends so you can tell them how awesome this job is.

It’s kind of like finding your first porn video or smoking your first fatty. You act like you’re goddamned Christopher Columbus of online sex or weed. You’re so excited you’re driving your friends crazy with details of your new discoveries.


Hooray for you.

For a while, things are on the up-and-up. You couldn’t be happier with your job/empty balls/method of relaxation.

Life is good.

But then with time, the novelty wears off. You’re not as happy as you used to be but you stick with it because I’m just in a funk, you say to yourself. It’ll pass.

When it doesn’t pass, you’re coming up with ways to make this thing you used to love fresh and exciting again. Maybe you’re going to your boss and asking to go from serving to bartending. Maybe you’re clicking through a couple previously-unclicked categories on your favorite porn site. Maybe you got a hold of some ecstasy.

Wow! This new thing really put a new pep in your step! How great is it that this new thing is different and refreshing, but still similar enough to the old thing to allow for it to be an easy transition!

But, unlike the first thing, the joy this new thing has brought you fades more quickly. You’re in a rut again.

Things quickly spiral out of control. Maybe you’ve worked all available positions. Maybe you’ve dabbled into some gay stuff. Maybe there’s a dirty needle sticking out of your arm.

After years of abusing yourself, you come to the realization that, hey, you’ve had more than your share of experiences with this self-abuse. You can turn the tables! Maybe you can become a manager! Maybe you can make your own porn! Maybe you can sell drugs!

Maybe you submit your resume for management consideration.

Maybe you upload your own dirty deeds.

Maybe you start selling meth.


After a handful of phone interviews or negative comments or unhappy competition; you soon learn that maybe working under management doesn’t give you management experience, that maybe watching porn doesn’t make you a pornstar, or that maybe being a consumer doesn’t make you an expert distributor. Maybe you aren’t fit for management. Maybe you fuck like a sloth with Down’s Syndrome. Maybe a rival distributor shoots you in the face.

Turns out, trying to get to the top only knocks you closer to rock bottom than you’d ever been before.

The trick is recognizing it before you let it get that far.

Or maybe you’ll lose all the passion you had for the thing you so much used to love doing. Maybe you’ll be into Japanese tentacle porn. Maybe you’ll find yourself snorting cocaine off a tranny’s erect cock.