Dear Potential Employers,
You’ve no doubt received my resume and cover letter by now; and have since decided that before you make any decisions on whether or not you want to contact me, you’ve found it best to do a little
Internet stalking informal research on Mr. Asset-To-Your-Company. Mr. Strong-Ability-To-Multitask.
I feel as though maybe you’ve already come to some conclusions about me that might cause you to “regret to inform” me, or to “seek candidates who more closely match” your “needs.” I’ve written this letter to you in hopes that you might reconsider “going another direction.”
Spare me. I’ve heard it all.
I’m almost certain you’ve sifted through my tweets, and positive you’ve read more on this blog than the post you’re reading right now. You might be shocked at my use of colorful language and, at times, crude humor. Well, Potential Employers, I’m here to let you know that while I’m on the clock, I promise to maintain a professional demeanor. However, there is always the remote chance I might let a four-letterer slip every so often. I’m not a fucking machine, guys.
Sure, I might talk about the office whore or last night’s game with the guys at the water cooler from time to time. After all, you can’t expect me to completely cut myself off from conversations involving the workplace or current events. That would be irresponsible. Communication is the foundation of success, and a lack thereof amongst co-workers puts your business at an incredible disadvantage.
The more you know.
Upon reading more of my material, you might come to the conclusion that I’m just some guy who has nothing else better to do than to use the Internet as a medium to complain about stupid things and stupid people.
Even though that’s clearly what the Internet is for. Oh, and porn.
While on the surface it might seem as if I’m complaining, I’m really just trying to bring awareness to the people about the stupidity that surrounds them every day. The more people know about the stupid, the more they can do to prevent themselves and others from succumbing to it.
I’m like a human resource. Hey, isn’t that one of the positions I applied for? Sounds like the question of whether or not I’m qualified just answered itself.
All I’m trying to say is, don’t judge a book by its cover (or its slightly deranged, sometimes impossibly low-brow material). I have everything you’ve always looked for in a new hire; minus related experience, proficiency in Photoshop, InDesign or anything Mac-related.
To hell with experience, that’s what training is for.
Hire me. I guarantee you’ve never had a guy on board so willing to sacrifice his sanity and personal identity to be molded and shaped into the best soulless corporate hack you’ve ever seen (please, don’t do this to me) — all for the sake of a decent paycheck.
And a comprehensive benefits package, including health, dental and eye insurance, 401(k), paid vacations and sick days, quarterly bonuses/raises, profit sharing, room for advancement and my own parking spot. You know. The usual.
And just to clarify, my résumé states I can type 83 words a minute. Let’s be honest. You and I both know that’s a bullshit number I used to get your attention. I just want to start off on the right foot.
Which, incidentally, is very difficult when you don’t have a leg to stand on.
Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.