Things I left off my résumé: Part 2

  • Dedication: I once binge-watched a 13-season television series on Netflix in six days.
  • Finance: Putting forth maximum effort to pay the minimum payment on my credit cards each month.
  • Passion: I’ve wished slow, painful deaths on no fewer than 17 NFL referees by yelling at them through the TV until my lungs bled.
  • Exploration: College was… interesting.
  • Restraint: Stopped watching Dexter at the end of Season 4 because I’d heard the last four seasons sucked shit. I know when to quit while I’m ahead. (RIP, Rita.)
  • Awareness: I always know exactly how many beers I have left in the fridge at any given time.
  • Generosity: Anyone who visits my house is given a free beer.
  • Cash-handling: Then I’ll charge them for the next one.
  • Thriftiness: I turn my condoms inside-out so they can be re-used.
  • Cleanliness: I’ll throw it away after its second use.

(Part I)

Things I left off my résumé.

  • Efficiency: I can watch a 30-minute porn video in 2.
  • Retention: I once defeated my 2-year-old nephew in a How Many Cheerios Can You Fit in Your Mouth at Once contest 145 to 12.
  • Speed: I do speed. A lot of speed.
  • Proficiency: I have mastered the many uses of the very versatile word fuck.
  • Planning: I know on which side the Salvation Army bell-ringer stands at every grocery store within a 25-mile radius of my home, thus allowing no hesitation in determining where to park so I can avoid them.
  • Speeeeeeed.
  • Determination: I won’t stop until that 5-pound burrito is gone or I’m dead.
  • Restraint: In 10 years of Black Friday shopping, I’ve only killed six people. Two were in self-defense.
  • Speed speed speed.
  • Promptness: When I’m having sex I always finish early. If you aren’t first, you’re last!
  • Multitasking: I can poop, play Fruit Ninja and eat a cheeseburger at the same time.
  • Aptitude: I’m a know-it-all.
  • Linguistics: I love the proper use of grammar.
  • Culture: I’m a Nazi.
  • Culturally Linguistic: I’m a grammar Nazi
  • Hey man are you holding I have the need the need for SPEEEEEEEED.

As it turns out, there are stupid questions after all.

As it turns out, searching for part-time, single-digits-per-hour work is just as difficult as finding something that resembles a career.

As difficult.

More annoying.

I’m trying to find a part-time job to fill in the less productive gaps of my life where I lay on the couch under a blanket of Cheetos crumbs and wonder where I went wrong. So I figure, hey, I can spare another 20-30 hours a week if it means upgrading from dinners seasoned with the salt of my tears to dinners flavored with actual seasonings.

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An open letter to potential employers.

Dear Potential Employers,

You’ve no doubt received my resume and cover letter by now; and have since decided that before you make any decisions on whether or not you want to contact me, you’ve found it best to do a little Internet stalking informal research on Mr. Asset-To-Your-Company.  Mr. Strong-Ability-To-Multitask.

Yours truly.

I feel as though maybe you’ve already come to some conclusions about me that might cause you to “regret to inform” me, or to “seek candidates who more closely match” your “needs.”  I’ve written this letter to you in hopes that you might reconsider “going another direction.”

Spare me.  I’ve heard it all.

I’m almost certain you’ve sifted through my tweets, and positive you’ve read more on this blog than the post you’re reading right now.  You might be shocked at my use of colorful language and, at times, crude humor.  Well, Potential Employers, I’m here to let you know that while I’m on the clock, I promise to maintain a professional demeanor.  However, there is always the remote chance I might let a four-letterer slip every so often.  I’m not a fucking machine, guys.


Sure, I might talk about the office whore or last night’s game with the guys at the water cooler from time to time. After all, you can’t expect me to completely cut myself off from conversations involving the workplace or current events.  That would be irresponsible.  Communication is the foundation of success, and a lack thereof amongst co-workers puts your business at an incredible disadvantage.

The more you know.

Upon reading more of my material, you might come to the conclusion that I’m just some guy who has nothing else better to do than to use the Internet as a medium to complain about stupid things and stupid people.

Even though that’s clearly what the Internet is for.  Oh, and porn.

While on the surface it might seem as if I’m complaining, I’m really just trying to bring awareness to the people about the stupidity that surrounds them every day.  The more people know about the stupid, the more they can do to prevent themselves and others from succumbing to it.

I’m like a human resource.  Hey, isn’t that one of the positions I applied for?  Sounds like the question of whether or not I’m qualified just answered itself.

All I’m trying to say is, don’t judge a book by its cover (or its slightly deranged, sometimes impossibly low-brow material).  I have everything you’ve always looked for in a new hire; minus related experience, proficiency in Photoshop, InDesign or anything Mac-related.

To hell with experience, that’s what training is for.

Hire me.  I guarantee you’ve never had a guy on board so willing to sacrifice his sanity and personal identity to be molded and shaped into the best soulless corporate hack you’ve ever seen (please, don’t do this to me) — all for the sake of a decent paycheck.

And a comprehensive benefits package, including health, dental and eye insurance, 401(k), paid vacations and sick days, quarterly bonuses/raises, profit sharing, room for advancement and my own parking spot.  You know.  The usual.

And just to clarify, my résumé states I can type 83 words a minute.  Let’s be honest.  You and I both know that’s a bullshit number I used to get your attention.  I just want to start off on the right foot.

Which, incidentally, is very difficult when you don’t have a leg to stand on.

Thank you for your time and consideration.  I look forward to hearing from you soon.



I am Eddie Haskell.

I’ve read a few things, recently. Things that pertain to job-hunting and fine-tuning a résumé and sort of lying but not really lying. All that stuff.

Things that describe in painful detail the shit I could be doing wrong, therefore crippling my chances of ascending from the ranks of disgruntled bartender.

One of the main things mentioned in these How to Not Fuck Up When it Comes to Landing That One Job You Totally Want articles, is how you shouldn’t ignore your online presence. If you’re on Facebook, make sure it’s professional. Hide or remove tags of yourself from any picture that prominently features red Solo cups.

On Twitter? Use those 140 characters to their full potential by not passive-aggressively telling every customer you’ve ever had to fuck off and die.

Have a blog or Web site? Keep it clean! Comment on social media trends, give insightful thoughts on top news stories, don’t tell people what you want them to hear — tell them what they want to hear.

In other words, be as boring as humanly possible without wanting to kill yourself every time you log in to one of your ever-polished online accounts.

Don’t be yourself, if that’s who you are.

Now, that’s not to say you can’t keep it clean and professional without being interesting. I’m simply saying that we aren’t all Wally Cleaver. Some of us are Eddie Haskell — a cover letter and résumé that compliments your tie, and a Twitter account that gets the other Twitter accounts in trouble.

So if you’ve found my site via channels used to screen potential employees, I ask that you don’t take anything you see here at face value. This is an outlet. This is what I do for fun. This is my hobby.

A rich businessperson like yourself has to have some hobbies too, right? What I’m saying is, is that if your hobby as a rich businessman was, say, snorting cocaine off a transvestite’s nutsack, I wouldn’t hold it against you so long as you were a good boss.

I expect the same consideration.