It just got easier to watch porn on your smartphone.

I recently picked up a new smartphone and, while rifling through the settings, I came across this little gem:

image

As a bonus, there’s a Smart Cleaning option a couple rows down, I assume in case I miss the Kleenex.

Advertisements

Moneysnot.

Sometimes I watch porn bloopers, because nothing masks the shame of jerking it to a chick with daddy issues getting railed quite like jerking it to a chick with daddy issues getting railed and totally fucking up the shoot somehow.

And then I started thinking about ideal porn blooper scenarios. The ones that, if there were an America’s Funniest Home Videos for porn, would win the $10,000 and go on to the $100,000 grand finale.

You know how if you’re eating or drinking something and you start laughing, that particular thing has the possibility of shooting out of your nose?

Okay, so what if there’s a chick going down on some dude, and just as he’s going Number Three in her mouth, he says something really out of character or funny, or maybe he tells her a quick joke in the process. You know, a little workplace humor. Because  everyone loves workplace humor.

So he tells her this joke, and it’s really funny. And I mean really fucking funny. So funny that she laughs so hard jizz shoots out of her nose.

Oh my God it would be hilarious.

I hate my brain.

Pornetry.

under the night sky
a soft, white light
caresses my face

for this moment
I feel serenity
a mental escape

nothing troubles me
during this release
evaporated stress

but I wonder
if you are enjoying
that same soft, white light

if the monitor’s glow
brings you solace
and you’re watching the same porn as I.

Previously on Content Unrelated (4/14/13 – 4/21/13)

But Jeff, you already included last Sunday in your previous Previously On…, Why are you so goddamn stupid?

Because I hate you.

If you haven’t been paying attention to me (and I have no idea why that is), then you missed on more comedy gold this week.

GOLD I TELL YOU.

Fuck off.

Previously on Content Unrelated:

I kicked things off last Sunday night with a list of things you’re never warned about before you adopt a puppy. You should probably read that if you think you’re ready to venture forth into puppy ownership.

Thursday, I offered up my eulogy of the now-retired Dude Write. Goodnight, sweet prince.

Saturday, I drew (not really drew, I was a shitty art student) some parallels between working in the service industry, watching porn, and drug use.

And, of course, throughout the week I finished up the last set of five of the Ten Commandments of Eating in a Restaurant with:

Thou Shalt Take Responsibility for Thy Spawn
Thou Shalt Coordinate Thy Needs
Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Table
Thou Shalt Tip
Thou Shalt Not be a Dick

WHERE YOU AT, SPRINGS1?!

Come harass me on Twitter. Or, if you want to collaborate, guest post or have me over for dinner, click here!