Things I left off my résumé: Part 2

  • Dedication: I once binge-watched a 13-season television series on Netflix in six days.
  • Finance: Putting forth maximum effort to pay the minimum payment on my credit cards each month.
  • Passion: I’ve wished slow, painful deaths on no fewer than 17 NFL referees by yelling at them through the TV until my lungs bled.
  • Exploration: College was… interesting.
  • Restraint: Stopped watching Dexter at the end of Season 4 because I’d heard the last four seasons sucked shit. I know when to quit while I’m ahead. (RIP, Rita.)
  • Awareness: I always know exactly how many beers I have left in the fridge at any given time.
  • Generosity: Anyone who visits my house is given a free beer.
  • Cash-handling: Then I’ll charge them for the next one.
  • Thriftiness: I turn my condoms inside-out so they can be re-used.
  • Cleanliness: I’ll throw it away after its second use.

(Part I)

Things I left off my résumé.

  • Efficiency: I can watch a 30-minute porn video in 2.
  • Retention: I once defeated my 2-year-old nephew in a How Many Cheerios Can You Fit in Your Mouth at Once contest 145 to 12.
  • Speed: I do speed. A lot of speed.
  • Proficiency: I have mastered the many uses of the very versatile word fuck.
  • Planning: I know on which side the Salvation Army bell-ringer stands at every grocery store within a 25-mile radius of my home, thus allowing no hesitation in determining where to park so I can avoid them.
  • Speeeeeeed.
  • Determination: I won’t stop until that 5-pound burrito is gone or I’m dead.
  • Restraint: In 10 years of Black Friday shopping, I’ve only killed six people. Two were in self-defense.
  • Speed speed speed.
  • Promptness: When I’m having sex I always finish early. If you aren’t first, you’re last!
  • Multitasking: I can poop, play Fruit Ninja and eat a cheeseburger at the same time.
  • Aptitude: I’m a know-it-all.
  • Linguistics: I love the proper use of grammar.
  • Culture: I’m a Nazi.
  • Culturally Linguistic: I’m a grammar Nazi
  • Hey man are you holding I have the need the need for SPEEEEEEEED.

It’s all in who you know.

You guys might not know this, but writing posts for this blog doesn’t pay the bills.

Like, at all.

So, as one of my previous posts pointed out, I’ve been looking for a second job. And, as my absence from the blogging world might suggest — I found one.

For those of you keeping score, I now have 200 percent more jobs than nine percent of America.

Continue reading

I am Eddie Haskell.

I’ve read a few things, recently. Things that pertain to job-hunting and fine-tuning a résumé and sort of lying but not really lying. All that stuff.

Things that describe in painful detail the shit I could be doing wrong, therefore crippling my chances of ascending from the ranks of disgruntled bartender.

One of the main things mentioned in these How to Not Fuck Up When it Comes to Landing That One Job You Totally Want articles, is how you shouldn’t ignore your online presence. If you’re on Facebook, make sure it’s professional. Hide or remove tags of yourself from any picture that prominently features red Solo cups.

On Twitter? Use those 140 characters to their full potential by not passive-aggressively telling every customer you’ve ever had to fuck off and die.

Have a blog or Web site? Keep it clean! Comment on social media trends, give insightful thoughts on top news stories, don’t tell people what you want them to hear — tell them what they want to hear.

In other words, be as boring as humanly possible without wanting to kill yourself every time you log in to one of your ever-polished online accounts.

Don’t be yourself, if that’s who you are.

Now, that’s not to say you can’t keep it clean and professional without being interesting. I’m simply saying that we aren’t all Wally Cleaver. Some of us are Eddie Haskell — a cover letter and résumé that compliments your tie, and a Twitter account that gets the other Twitter accounts in trouble.

So if you’ve found my site via channels used to screen potential employees, I ask that you don’t take anything you see here at face value. This is an outlet. This is what I do for fun. This is my hobby.

A rich businessperson like yourself has to have some hobbies too, right? What I’m saying is, is that if your hobby as a rich businessman was, say, snorting cocaine off a transvestite’s nutsack, I wouldn’t hold it against you so long as you were a good boss.

I expect the same consideration.

The workweek haiku.

Looking for a job
Experience trumps degree
College was bullshit

Emailed resume
Never heard from company
Must’ve read my blog.

Woke up late for work.
Skip shower? Skip breakfast? Nah.
Fuck all that. Skip work.

Due for promotion
“Really need you where you are.”
Denied promotion.

Entry-level job
Two phone interviews later
“You’re not qualified.”

Work, therefore I drink
Need more money to buy beer
Drink, therefore I work