DO IT. Just. DO IT.

When I know the dogs have to shit but all they do is sniff around for 20 minutes.
When I’ve been to a table four times and the guest still hasn’t decided what to eat.
Driving behind someone who won’t move from the left lane of the highway even though they aren’t going the speed limit.
Calling someone immediately after they called me, wondering why they aren’t picking up even though my MISSED CALL log clearly states they had their phone in their fucking hands like 10 goddamned seconds ago.


Conversations with dogs.

Conversations with dogs originally appeared as a guest post on the Chowderhead, a site that, as far as I can tell, is no longer published publicly. I found the original copy in a drafts folder and I liked it so much I wanted to resurrect it.


“I wish you could talk, Fido.”

You hear it all the time in the movies. Some stupid little kid crying in his room because he got his ass kicked at school for being a stupid little kid. His trusty dog is there to tongue away his stupid little tears.

“If you could talk, you’d know what to say. You’d know what to do!”

You think so, kid?

You really think Fido would know exactly what to say to make you feel better? I mean, dogs are smart, don’t get me wrong. I’m a dog-person. I have two. But I would never want my four-legged assholes to talk back.

They’ve seen too much.
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