I am Eddie Haskell.

I’ve read a few things, recently. Things that pertain to job-hunting and fine-tuning a résumé and sort of lying but not really lying. All that stuff.

Things that describe in painful detail the shit I could be doing wrong, therefore crippling my chances of ascending from the ranks of disgruntled bartender.

One of the main things mentioned in these How to Not Fuck Up When it Comes to Landing That One Job You Totally Want articles, is how you shouldn’t ignore your online presence. If you’re on Facebook, make sure it’s professional. Hide or remove tags of yourself from any picture that prominently features red Solo cups.

On Twitter? Use those 140 characters to their full potential by not passive-aggressively telling every customer you’ve ever had to fuck off and die.

Have a blog or Web site? Keep it clean! Comment on social media trends, give insightful thoughts on top news stories, don’t tell people what you want them to hear — tell them what they want to hear.

In other words, be as boring as humanly possible without wanting to kill yourself every time you log in to one of your ever-polished online accounts.

Don’t be yourself, if that’s who you are.

Now, that’s not to say you can’t keep it clean and professional without being interesting. I’m simply saying that we aren’t all Wally Cleaver. Some of us are Eddie Haskell — a cover letter and résumé that compliments your tie, and a Twitter account that gets the other Twitter accounts in trouble.

So if you’ve found my site via channels used to screen potential employees, I ask that you don’t take anything you see here at face value. This is an outlet. This is what I do for fun. This is my hobby.

A rich businessperson like yourself has to have some hobbies too, right? What I’m saying is, is that if your hobby as a rich businessman was, say, snorting cocaine off a transvestite’s nutsack, I wouldn’t hold it against you so long as you were a good boss.

I expect the same consideration.

Advertisements