Home is where you poop most comfortably.

You’ve been out all day. Running errands, trudging through rush hour traffic, counting the 37 items the asshole at the grocery store has in his cart while he fumbles for exact change in the express register.

It’s called express for a reason, motherfucker.

You ate a big breakfast before you left the solitude and comfort of your home. Drank lots of coffee. You were going to be out all day. You didn’t want to get hungry. You needed the energy. Stopping for lunch wasn’t an option. No time. It’s your only day off.

Halfway through your Things to Do, you notice the familiar rumblings of the fudge factory revving its engines. You know it’s only a matter of time before the prophecies of the ancient scroll Everyone Poops come true, and the Gods of Guano* sound the Call of the Colon — the Bellow of the Bowels breaks the Seventh Seal of the Sphincter and the rectum rush becomes too much to contain. Continue reading

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Moneysnot.

Sometimes I watch porn bloopers, because nothing masks the shame of jerking it to a chick with daddy issues getting railed quite like jerking it to a chick with daddy issues getting railed and totally fucking up the shoot somehow.

And then I started thinking about ideal porn blooper scenarios. The ones that, if there were an America’s Funniest Home Videos for porn, would win the $10,000 and go on to the $100,000 grand finale.

You know how if you’re eating or drinking something and you start laughing, that particular thing has the possibility of shooting out of your nose?

Okay, so what if there’s a chick going down on some dude, and just as he’s going Number Three in her mouth, he says something really out of character or funny, or maybe he tells her a quick joke in the process. You know, a little workplace humor. Because  everyone loves workplace humor.

So he tells her this joke, and it’s really funny. And I mean really fucking funny. So funny that she laughs so hard jizz shoots out of her nose.

Oh my God it would be hilarious.

I hate my brain.

Guest Post: Andrew Doodoo.

I know I’ve been absent from all your lives for far too long. But I have an excuse.

I got a second job! I know! A brand new thing to hate! Yay, me!

In the meantime, I’ve been up to no good over at my new side-blog, “Goddammit, Jeff.” It’s like this one but, you know, worse.

And over on this side of things, my good buddy Andrew Stillman, The Artist Mindset creator and writer extraordinaire, is stopping by Content Unrelated to talk shit with you guys.

Literally.

I’ve linked to posts of his before, so if you haven’t clicked them yet, you’re really doing yourselves a disservice.

Continue reading