Tapey III: Apocalyptic Parasite

“That’s the end of you,” I’d said
After slicing off his head
Leaving his body to rot
Tired from the battle fought

Witnessing that epic fight
Tapey’s flesh-craved appetite
A stranger stole his remains
Resurrected him again

Continue reading


Sharpie overload (BTIGH2).

Marker permanence
Intoxication determinant

Colors delicious
Noises suspicious

Words are visual
Views unusual

Spinning room
Impending doom

Senses overloading
Brain imploding

Cerebral puddle
Interdimensional huddle

Future myself
Past myself

Timeline collaborations
Subtle deviations

Different choices
Same voices

And we all think we’re real.

Parallels: Serving, watching porn, and drugs.

My apologies, first off, for the misleading title. There will be no porn, nor will there be no drugs.

You probably won’t have to wait for anything either, though. So that’s cool.

While slaving away for the nation’s gluttonous, I started to think about some similarities being employed in a restaurant has to watching porn or doing drugs.

You could apply these things to other jobs as well, but since playing restaurant is all I know, I’m going with that.

So, you get hired in a restaurant and oh, my God is it the greatest place ever or what? The staff is super friendly and they joke around and have fun in the kitchen. You can’t believe how much of a great time you can get away with having while you’re at work. This is the first restaurant you’ve ever worked in, and the first night you get to go home with the money you made that same day, your mind is blown. Why didn’t I know about this sooner? You ask yourself, counting your cash. You can’t wait until you see your friends so you can tell them how awesome this job is.

It’s kind of like finding your first porn video or smoking your first fatty. You act like you’re goddamned Christopher Columbus of online sex or weed. You’re so excited you’re driving your friends crazy with details of your new discoveries.


Hooray for you.

For a while, things are on the up-and-up. You couldn’t be happier with your job/empty balls/method of relaxation.

Life is good.

But then with time, the novelty wears off. You’re not as happy as you used to be but you stick with it because I’m just in a funk, you say to yourself. It’ll pass.

When it doesn’t pass, you’re coming up with ways to make this thing you used to love fresh and exciting again. Maybe you’re going to your boss and asking to go from serving to bartending. Maybe you’re clicking through a couple previously-unclicked categories on your favorite porn site. Maybe you got a hold of some ecstasy.

Wow! This new thing really put a new pep in your step! How great is it that this new thing is different and refreshing, but still similar enough to the old thing to allow for it to be an easy transition!

But, unlike the first thing, the joy this new thing has brought you fades more quickly. You’re in a rut again.

Things quickly spiral out of control. Maybe you’ve worked all available positions. Maybe you’ve dabbled into some gay stuff. Maybe there’s a dirty needle sticking out of your arm.

After years of abusing yourself, you come to the realization that, hey, you’ve had more than your share of experiences with this self-abuse. You can turn the tables! Maybe you can become a manager! Maybe you can make your own porn! Maybe you can sell drugs!

Maybe you submit your resume for management consideration.

Maybe you upload your own dirty deeds.

Maybe you start selling meth.


After a handful of phone interviews or negative comments or unhappy competition; you soon learn that maybe working under management doesn’t give you management experience, that maybe watching porn doesn’t make you a pornstar, or that maybe being a consumer doesn’t make you an expert distributor. Maybe you aren’t fit for management. Maybe you fuck like a sloth with Down’s Syndrome. Maybe a rival distributor shoots you in the face.

Turns out, trying to get to the top only knocks you closer to rock bottom than you’d ever been before.

The trick is recognizing it before you let it get that far.

Or maybe you’ll lose all the passion you had for the thing you so much used to love doing. Maybe you’ll be into Japanese tentacle porn. Maybe you’ll find yourself snorting cocaine off a tranny’s erect cock.

Something something, Mister Spock.

Motivation’s down so low
What to write? I do not know
Words are forming without flow

Internal fight
From this task I will take flight
Like a moth who sees the light
NaPoWriMo? Quit, I might

Only day three
Of this fucking poetry
Twenty-seven more to see
Alcohol will rescue me

Who’s there? Knock knock!
Writer’s block can suck my cock
Jesus Christ, it’s one o’clock
Something something, Mister Spock

More from the Content Unrelated dictionary.

Last week, I had some fun giving Urban Dictionary a run for its money by giving completely new definitions to some pretty common words. Since I had so much fun with it, I’m going to take that idea and mercilessly beat it to the ground.

A shot of one’s preferred liquor mixed with the content of one’s coffee mug.

“What’s up with Joe? He’s been in the employee bathroom for an hour trying to call his ex-girlfriend.”
“One too many mugshots, probably.”

Japanese for “hello.”

“Ooh hero!”

A man with two penises who suffers from erectile dysfunction. Twice.

“You hear about Todd? Only guy born with two dicks and the poor bastard has misdirection. That really sucks the donkey’s balls.”

Double chin:
Chinese twins.

“Look at those double chins over there. I’ve heard jokes about not being able to tell Asians apart, but this is ridiculous.”

Term used to describe someone who just got over a fit of diarrhea.

“Hey man, your stomach still bothering you?”
“Nah, I’m good. I had some major diarrhea, but now it’s pretty much all gonorrhea.

The frequency or regularity of the need to satisfy one’s bicuriosity.

“What’s up with Ted? He’s being uncomfortably flirty with me. I thought he was into chicks.”
“Don’t mind him. He’s probably just on his bicycle. It’ll pass.”

Have your own bullshit definitions? Leave them in the comments!