Much like free music, porn, anonymous illiterates picking misspelled and grammatically embarrassing fights with people on message boards, and porn, the Internet is bursting at its Series of Tubes with information on how to properly raise your new puppy.
While Google might be able to point you in all sorts of directions when it comes to your new puppy getting acclimated to you, its new environment and not shitting on the rug one more fucking time I swear to GOD; slightly less abundant are the resources and information on just exactly how much the first couple months are going to suck.
Listed below are four ways the world as you know it is going to come to a screeching halt during the pupocalypse.
Sorry I destroyed literally everything you’ve ever given me.
1. Even though the initial stress will make you want to drink more, you will drink considerably less…
Here’s the thing about puppies. Like babies, they will go through a seemingly endless every-three-hour cycle of eating, peeing, shitting and sleeping. Unlike babies, a puppy does not wear diapers to hold in all that piss and shit, and if you don’t take it out every 17 seconds so it can relieve itself, you’re going to lose the hell out of your security deposit.
This every-17-seconds includes the middle of the night and at the ass-crack of dawn.
What does this have to do with alcohol?
The only thing worse than having to wake up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning to take your new puppy out to do its business, is having to wake up in the middle of the night or first thing in the morning to take your new puppy out while you’re piss drunk or hungover. You will learn painfully quick that a hangover plus picking up your dog’s shit equals you having to clean up more than your dog’s shit.
And even if you do manage to make yourself a tasty liquid treat or two, your puppy will try everything it can to drink it. Because puppies are tiny closet alcoholics.
2. … But mostly because you won’t be able to afford beer in the first place.
Unless you’re the One Percent or a hoarder extreme couponer, chances are the only stacks of paper you’ll have lying around are vet bills. New puppies are expensive as shit. Depending on how old it is when you adopt, you’ll still need to take it for a couple more rounds of vaccinations to protect them from Alka-seltzer mouth and parasites that’ll liquefy their insides. If it’s your first puppy, chances are you’ll visit the Vet ER a couple times because Sparky’s leg is twitching and you really aren’t sure it should be doing that, plus you don’t think that the half a couch he ate is digesting well at all.
All that shit costs money that, up until now, you weren’t used to shelling out. Not to mention the potential for obedience training unless you adopted a little puppy Einstein, in which case, good-for-fucking-you.
3. You used to not be able to remember the last time you stepped in a pile of dogshit, now you can’t remember the last time you haven’t.
Unless you have a fenced in area for your pooch, you’ll be waking with it on a leash so it can find a nice, soft grassy place to do the doo — areas which you’re not normally used to walking through. Areas other people have also thought to walk their dogs.
While walking around, waiting for the drop, poo bag in hand because you’re going to be a responsible pet owner and clean up after your dog (or I’ll find you), you catch a whiff of something foul. But wait! You cry out in surprise as your nose-holes go suicidal. My dog hath not defecated yet! To what can I attribute this stench?!
Some other asshole, who is clearly not as responsible of a dog owner as you are, left his dog’s ass-fertilizer out in the open, ready to invade the nooks and crannies of your favorite pair of shoes upon contact.
I have to wear slip-resistant shoes for work, you guys, and if you’re a communications major; you’ll probably have to for your post-college job, too. If any of you already know how they’re designed on the bottoms, you’ll immediately understand my frustration.
Good luck scraping that off in the grass.
I hope Hell exists just so the people who don’t pick up after their dogs have a place to go after I run them down with my car.
4. Coitus Interruptus.
While it might sound like a cock-blocking spell from some horny teenage girl’s Harry Potter fanfiction, Coitus Interruptus is exactly what it implies. Not only are puppies tiny closet alcoholics, they also have a sixth sense when you and yours want to bump uglies.
It’s been a couple weeks. You finally feel like you have your puppy on a pretty structured schedule. You know when it’ll want food, when it’ll need to go out, and most importantly in this situation, when it’s going to nap. Puppies are generally pretty heavy sleepers, but if you’ve been letting it sleep in your bed, there are few other places in your house that it’ll want to pass out. If by chance your puppy falls asleep other than your bed, get on it. You have about four and a half minutes (and since it’s been so long since the last time you’ve effed, you’ll realistically only need about a minute and a half) before your puppy’s seventh sense — OH MY GOD WHERE ARE MY PEOPLE OHMYGODOHMYGOD — kicks in. Just one moan or head smacking against the headboard and the jig is up. See, last night when you were asleep, your puppy microchipped you with a tiny GPS. So go ahead, sneak away all you want for some alone time. It. Will. Find. You.
All that being said, if you know you can revamp your entire lifestyle for the next nine to 15 years, the pros of owning a dog far outweigh the cons the moment you come home from a shitty day at work to that four-legged bundle of tail-wagging happy.
Best decision we’ve ever made.
Don’t buy. Adopt. Check out your local Humane Society if you’re ready to make the leap. And remember, if it doesn’t work out between you and your new pet, you can always recycle it.
See, Sarah McLachlan? You can do this shit without getting us all depressed.
Inspired by the WordPress Daily Prompt.