Things I noticed after 41 hours of no sleep.

1. People move really fucking fast.
Driving home on Hour 37 of being awake, I noticed something peculiar about hour people were driving or walking down the street. They were moving twice as fast as I was. I couldn’t believe my lack of sleep had opened my eyes to how much slower I’d been moving my whole life.

2. People are really angry.
I found it strange those same people who were moving with such haste around me on the road  were also incredibly short-tempered. Specifically, they seemed to direct that anger and malice towards me, and I still can’t seem to put my finger on why. Sleep deprivation is an incredible tool to gain insight on peoples’ general attitude and demeanor.

And these people put the mean in demeanor. Let me tell you.

3. Coffee.
Coffee coffee coffee. Coffee coffeeeeeeeeeeeee? COFFEE. Coffee. Coughee. Coffee.

4. People talk a lot louder than I thought.
Another thing my sleep deprivation opened my eyes (ears, rather) to was the fact that people talk unnecessarily loud. More often than not I found myself with a splitting headache caused simply by the sounds of a person’s voice. I couldn’t believe I’d never noticed the volume at which people regularly spoke before. It’s like that all-nighter gave me superpowers.

5. Coffee.
Fucking coffee, you guys.

 

 

Okay guys I’m gonna go catch some Zs like they’re Pokemon and it’s fucking 1998.

 

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DO IT. Just. DO IT.

When I know the dogs have to shit but all they do is sniff around for 20 minutes.
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When I’ve been to a table four times and the guest still hasn’t decided what to eat.
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Driving behind someone who won’t move from the left lane of the highway even though they aren’t going the speed limit.
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Calling someone immediately after they called me, wondering why they aren’t picking up even though my MISSED CALL log clearly states they had their phone in their fucking hands like 10 goddamned seconds ago.
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Things I left off my résumé: Part 2

  • Dedication: I once binge-watched a 13-season television series on Netflix in six days.
  • Finance: Putting forth maximum effort to pay the minimum payment on my credit cards each month.
  • Passion: I’ve wished slow, painful deaths on no fewer than 17 NFL referees by yelling at them through the TV until my lungs bled.
  • Exploration: College was… interesting.
  • Restraint: Stopped watching Dexter at the end of Season 4 because I’d heard the last four seasons sucked shit. I know when to quit while I’m ahead. (RIP, Rita.)
  • Awareness: I always know exactly how many beers I have left in the fridge at any given time.
  • Generosity: Anyone who visits my house is given a free beer.
  • Cash-handling: Then I’ll charge them for the next one.
  • Thriftiness: I turn my condoms inside-out so they can be re-used.
  • Cleanliness: I’ll throw it away after its second use.

(Part I)

More money, more problems.

Good afternoon, Jeffrey.

After careful review, we regret to inform you that your account is no longer in good standing, and immediate action is required on your part if you wish for us to not take further steps to ensure payments will be made in a timely manner. You are on notice for the following reasions:

  • You have been continually late with your minimum payment for the last twelve (12) months.
  • You have exceeded your credit limit multiple times.
  • The things you buy (when you actually have credit available) are stupid.
  • You laugh at us when we call and ask for payments.
  • We received your burning paper bag of dogshit and we were not as amused as we presume you were.

Jeffrey, you can return your account to good standing by taking the following action(s)

  • Set up automatic payments, ensuring you never go past your due date.
  • Be mindful of your credit limit.
  • Stop buying stupid shit.
  • Answer your fucking phone.
  • Stop sending us poop. Please.

Not making payments on your credit card is a serious matter, Jeffrey, and to show you just how serious we are, we’re increasing your credit limit from $4,000 to $5,000, just in time for the holidays! Now, you can spend even more money that you don’t actually have!

—-

It’s a paraphrased e-mail, but this actually happened like a week ago. Discover thought it would be a good idea to ignore the fact that I can’t make payments or stop exceeding my credit line by giving me more goddamned money.

Thanks, assholes. I’m weak and it’s Christmas. More dogshit is on the way.

Things I left off my résumé.

  • Efficiency: I can watch a 30-minute porn video in 2.
  • Retention: I once defeated my 2-year-old nephew in a How Many Cheerios Can You Fit in Your Mouth at Once contest 145 to 12.
  • Speed: I do speed. A lot of speed.
  • Proficiency: I have mastered the many uses of the very versatile word fuck.
  • Planning: I know on which side the Salvation Army bell-ringer stands at every grocery store within a 25-mile radius of my home, thus allowing no hesitation in determining where to park so I can avoid them.
  • Speeeeeeed.
  • Determination: I won’t stop until that 5-pound burrito is gone or I’m dead.
  • Restraint: In 10 years of Black Friday shopping, I’ve only killed six people. Two were in self-defense.
  • Speed speed speed.
  • Promptness: When I’m having sex I always finish early. If you aren’t first, you’re last!
  • Multitasking: I can poop, play Fruit Ninja and eat a cheeseburger at the same time.
  • Aptitude: I’m a know-it-all.
  • Linguistics: I love the proper use of grammar.
  • Culture: I’m a Nazi.
  • Culturally Linguistic: I’m a grammar Nazi
  • Hey man are you holding I have the need the need for SPEEEEEEEED.