Good afternoon, Jeffrey.
After careful review, we regret to inform you that your account is no longer in good standing, and immediate action is required on your part if you wish for us to not take further steps to ensure payments will be made in a timely manner. You are on notice for the following reasions:
- You have been continually late with your minimum payment for the last twelve (12) months.
- You have exceeded your credit limit multiple times.
- The things you buy (when you actually have credit available) are stupid.
- You laugh at us when we call and ask for payments.
- We received your burning paper bag of dogshit and we were not as amused as we presume you were.
Jeffrey, you can return your account to good standing by taking the following action(s)
- Set up automatic payments, ensuring you never go past your due date.
- Be mindful of your credit limit.
- Stop buying stupid shit.
- Answer your fucking phone.
- Stop sending us poop. Please.
Not making payments on your credit card is a serious matter, Jeffrey, and to show you just how serious we are, we’re increasing your credit limit from $4,000 to $5,000, just in time for the holidays! Now, you can spend even more money that you don’t actually have!
It’s a paraphrased e-mail, but this actually happened like a week ago. Discover thought it would be a good idea to ignore the fact that I can’t make payments or stop exceeding my credit line by giving me more goddamned money.
Thanks, assholes. I’m weak and it’s Christmas. More dogshit is on the way.