“You’ll need this when you’re older.”

They always said it. Without fail. Every year.

Pay attention! You’ll need this when you’re older!

Some bitter old teacher with blue hair, tits to her knees and perfume that smelled like you were trying to mask a dirty litter box with Febreze.

You’ll need this when you’re out in the real world!

The real world? What the Hell is this, then? The goddamned Matrix? I’ve got news for you. There is a spoon. I have a drawer full of them.

But you know what? As it turns out, teachers in grade school can’t predict the fucking future.

Sexiest Man Alive.

Congratulations to Chris Hemsworth, People‘s pick for 2014’s Sexiest Man Alive. With his superhero abs, dirty blond locks, and panty-dropping Aussie accent, it’s no surprise People would want to join the world’s women (and about 20 percent of its men) and jump his bones like they were part of a goddamned sex trampoline.

It just got easier to watch porn on your smartphone.

I recently picked up a new smartphone and, while rifling through the settings, I came across this little gem:

As a bonus, there’s a Smart Cleaning option a couple rows down, I assume in case I miss the Kleenex.

An open letter to people who don’t clean up after their dogs.

Dear People Who Don’t Clean Up After Their Dogs,

You guys are really great.

No, really.

If there’s one thing I absolutely love, it’s a nice, hot, humid, Florida summer. Why? Because if it wasn’t for your inability to hunch over and pick up your dog’s mess, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the smell of day-old, sun-baked dogshit every goddamn time I leave my apartment.

Conversations with dogs.

Conversations with dogs originally appeared as a guest post on the Chowderhead, a site that, as far as I can tell, is no longer published publicly. I found the original copy in a drafts folder and I liked it so much I wanted to resurrect it.

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“I wish you could talk, Fido.”

You hear it all the time in the movies. Some stupid little kid crying in his room because he got his ass kicked at school for being a stupid little kid. His trusty dog is there to tongue away his stupid little tears.

“If you could talk, you’d know what to say. You’d know what to do!”

You think so, kid?

You really think Fido would know exactly what to say to make you feel better? I mean, dogs are smart, don’t get me wrong. I’m a dog-person. I have two. But I would never want my four-legged assholes to talk back.

They’ve seen too much.