That thing you’re doing? Stop.

Attn: People on Twitter or Facebook who post live updates of TV programming.

You working folk know how important it is to be able to sneak away for a bit to access your favorite social media sites. How else could you keep people updated on how much you hate your job and how much of a C U Next Tuesday your boss is?

Well, as you know, not all of us work nine-to-fivers. Some of us work Sunday nights and we don’t get to watch Game of Thrones right away. So when we’re at work and we take a peek at our phones, the last thing we want to see is five tweets from the same person giving a fucking play-by-play of spoilers to shows we’ve planned to watch recordings of when we get home.

Also, the mere, even vague mention of a twist ending or character’s death or cliffhanger, without spoiling the details, is still a goddamned spoiler.

Say something about how awesome the show was. That’s fine! But give it at least 24 hours before you go and ruin it for the people who haven’t seen it.

Same goes for people watching sporting events. If I want to watch a game, I’ll watch it. But I didn’t set up a Facebook account to act as a live feed for misspelled, overly exclamatory status updates about bad calls, shitty refs, awesome catches and to-the-minute scoring updates.

I can’t imagine what it’s like living on the West Coast.

That thing you’re doing? Stop.

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Tinnitus.

the high-pitched
lobsters-in-boiling-water
wails of the dying
frequencies you’ll never
hear again

ghosts that haunt
your eardrums

white noises and
soundtracks of oceans
and thunderstorms and nature
to mask the sounds
of dying sound

but you’ll always hear
their screams

Throwback Thursday.

Not much has changed in almost 30 years. I don’t have the tail anymore and my head is significantly larger. So there’s that.

Moneysnot.

Sometimes I watch porn bloopers, because nothing masks the shame of jerking it to a chick with daddy issues getting railed quite like jerking it to a chick with daddy issues getting railed and totally fucking up the shoot somehow.

And then I started thinking about ideal porn blooper scenarios. The ones that, if there were an America’s Funniest Home Videos for porn, would win the $10,000 and go on to the $100,000 grand finale.

You know how if you’re eating or drinking something and you start laughing, that particular thing has the possibility of shooting out of your nose?

Okay, so what if there’s a chick going down on some dude, and just as he’s going Number Three in her mouth, he says something really out of character or funny, or maybe he tells her a quick joke in the process. You know, a little workplace humor. Because  everyone loves workplace humor.

So he tells her this joke, and it’s really funny. And I mean really fucking funny. So funny that she laughs so hard jizz shoots out of her nose.

Oh my God it would be hilarious.

I hate my brain.

Salsa blanca.

I still take showers like a 14-year-old boy.

That is, they usually last longer than 20 minutes because I spend most of my time beating my dick like it owes me money. My shower is the only place I can do it without my dogs watching me, longingly, while salivating at the thought of peanut-buttered scrotums.

I don’t care if they can’t talk. Make eye contact with your pet the next time you decide to practice your organ solo. If you can still finish, I will both applaud your perversion and get a restraining order from you for my pets.

But be warned, fellow bath-jackers, while you might enjoy the 2nd-degree burns from a hot shower, the worst thing you can do is to keep that water hot when you send your minions on a suicide mission down the drain.

Why?

Hot water plus jizz equals instant, man-made superglue.

You’ll be peeling the corpses of your would-be children off your skin for days.

Do you really want that on your conscience?

Turn the water heat down and send those motherfuckers packing.