Guest Post: Google, Go Home, You’re Drunk!

And now, a man who needs no introduction.

Because I introduced you guys to him last week.

Idiots.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the future to your living rooms (or your mom’s basement) — Daniel Nest.

—–

Thanks for the guest spot, Jeff! It’s an honour for me and a bad idea for you, but it’s your mess to clean now.

Jeff did a great job of bitching about Google’s Chrome browser in his guest post on my blog, so I decided to complement it with a Google rant of my own. On a side note, I call dibs on the Google Rant feature. It’s exactly like Google Translate, only it automatically transforms your sentences into ALL CAPS and adds a few random swear words to the mix.

Now, a few words about myself.

LIKES:

  • Stealing other people’s introduction ideas.
  • Comments left on my posts. Wink wink, nod nod. I have a nervous tick.
  • Ice cream, because my shrink tells me any list of “likes” should include at least one neutral and innocent entry so that I don’t sound like a sociopath.

DISLIKES:

  • Crowds
  • Clowns
  • Google’s auto-complete feature. Sometimes.

Allow me to explain. As you may know, Google has this pretty neat feature that lets it predict what you’re looking for as you’re typing your search terms. So say I’m looking for the “best knives for decorating your Christmas tree”. Usually, I’d only need to type as far as “best knives for de…” and Google, based on the unquestionable popularity of that search term, would complete the string for me.

However, sometimes this feature fails miserably. Sometimes Google just straight up adds its own shit to whatever you’re typing and calls it a day, so when you press “Enter” you just end up wherever Google decided to take you. That’s how, while searching for “banana pancakes”, you can find yourself in “Banana Pancakes & Porn Emporium of Shady Rick”. It’s an awesome place to land, of course, but it probably wasn’t what you were looking for at the time.

On the other hand Google’s auto-complete offers a curious insight into our society’s psyche.

GP1

See? How else would I know that the most pressing questions on people’s minds are timing of seasons and release dates for mediocre movies?

Wondering why you got married? Clearly Google can answer that question. Twice:

GP2

Finally, Google can help us pinpoint Chuck Norris’s exact location:

GP3

Although, to be fair, that’s not a difficult task, because the answer to “Where is Chuck Norris?” is always “Right behind you!”. Ha, ha, Chuck Norris humour. So timely. I hear it’s all the rage these days.

Do you have any examples of auto-complete mishaps? Is auto-complete completely useless? Why did you get married?

—–

More Daniel.

Click that, dummy.

18 thoughts on “Guest Post: Google, Go Home, You’re Drunk!

  1. Pingback: Google Go Home, You're Drunk >> Nest Expressed

  2. Google is the almighty king. It knows my every thought, my every whim. I didn’t even know I NEEDED to know where Chuck Norris was- but Google knew.
    My husband is constantly asking “Why did I get married?” Clearly, he needs to Google it!!! I’ll go tell him.
    Brilliant guest post.
    Hope I didn’t make any grammatical errors in this comment. I’m still nervous from Jeff’s guest post on Daniel’s blog.
    I think I’ll go Google needless anxiety. (Have you noticed how Google INSISTS you capitalize the word ‘Google’.)

    • Google is always watching. Google is like Jeff in that sense. Jeff is always, always watching out for your grammar errors.

      He knows when you’re misspelling, he knows when you make mistakes, he knows if you type “their” or “they’re”, so type “there” for goodness sake.

      Behind Jeff’s scary exterior hides a funny man who wants to be held and loved, or, at the very least, have his funny posts read. Show Jeff some love and read his posts!

Talk to me. I'm needy.

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