Some of you are new here.
Some of you have been with me (incomprehensibly) since the beginning of this blog.
Those in the latter group might remember a series I started called Is it Manly? This series of posts went down with the ship, as when I transferred from Blogger to WordPress, I opted to not import all my old posts here.
Is it Manly? is an oldie, but a goodie, and would definitely fall into a best-of category if I was asked to make one. As such, I will be reposting these gems here so that my new WordPress readers can see what they missed, and the rest of you can re-live them and hate me all over again.
Here we go.
Is it Manly? will feature one product or service in each post. Based on research conducted by me and fueled by my opinions alone; reasons, examples and evidence (mostly bullshit I make up on the spot) will be provided as to why society might deem these products — which are generally targeted towards a unisex crowd — as less than manly.
After an intense investigation (again, mostly bullshit), a ruling of whether or not said product or service should be considered manly will be made.
All decisions are final. No refunds, exchanges or returns.
So, what are we dealing with here?
The Bud Light Limes, The Miller Chills and the Mike’s Hard Lemonades of the world. If I need to spell it out for you, I’m talking about fruity beer.
Before you debate me on whether or not Mike’s Hard Lemonade is a beer or not — it is. I checked.
What is “beer?”
Since the Big Bang or Adam and Eve or whenever it was your particular belief system tells you shit came to be, beer has been enjoyed by men and women alike. Beer — or, Hopsious Alcoholus — has made it easier for men to ask women out, and it has also made it easier for women to say yes. It can bring anyone — from the socially awkward to the attention whore — to their wobbly, drunken knees. In this way, beer is the great equalizer.
Beer is consumed by chugging. Also, chugging it from a hole you jam in the side of the can, chugging it from a funnel, chugging it while being held upside down over a keg, chugging it after the opposing team tosses a ping pong ball in your cup and chugging it before you take the cup it was in and flip it over.
So, yeah. Chugging, mostly.
Beer has also been used as a way to cope with various outcomes of sporting events. For those on the side of the winning team, beer acts as an agent to enhance the enjoyment of being a total douche by rubbing your victory in the faces of your friends who are
cheering (also not manly: cheering) rooting for the other team. For those unfortunate enough to be on the losing side of this scenario, beer simply helps to soften the blow of the impending defeat of your shitty-ass 1-5 football team.
I totally agree with you though, guy. They need to fire that coach already. And that quarterback . . . are you fucking kidding me right now? Seven of 22 completed with four interceptions and a fumble. Sacked six times. Six fucking times! It was worth a shot trying to get some points on the board with those field goal attempts, but your guy couldn’t kick a 45-yarder to save his life.
Why drinking Fruity Beer is okay:
Beer has alcohol in it. So while it may be fruity, it still gets you to the same place everyone else will be at the end of the night. It’s still a means to the same end. A drunken, vomiting, pants-shitting end. Fruity beer also acts as a substitute for those who haven’t quite acquired the taste for normal beer.
Why it isn’t:
Give your bratwurst an orange slice garnish. Serve those hot wings up with diced passion fruit on top. While you’re at it, hammer up some drywall or fix your car, but instead of a tool belt, wear a tutu.
Similar, more manly options:
One of the few exceptions to this extremely scientific analysis or fruity beer is Corona (see also: Blue Moon). Why Corona? Because at least you are given the option to not drink it with a lime (or an orange slice if you’re playing the Blue Moon game). Even if you did choose to drink this beer with a lime, it’s okay because the lime is there to enhance the flavor of the beer, not hide it. I’ll bet if you took the lime and salt flavorings out of the beers that come with them, they’d be all watered down and nasty. With Corona, the brewery doesn’t control your lime intake, you do. And after all, isn’t being in control something we want as men? You bet your ass it is.
So, is it manly?
Sorry, fruity beer. I’m going to have deem you not manly. With so many different types of beer out there, it’s hard to believe one of these “beers” infused with whatever fruit is the only one you like. Expand your horizons, or suffer the social consequences.
How could it be manlier?
Chase your fruity beer with fire or find a way to drink it through your eyes. That shit would fucking rock.