Writing my own dictionary.

Some words would be served better or used more if they had completely different definitions. I took some words I thought could use a new twist, giving them some (or even more) versatility within the realm of the English language. Below are those words.

Audiophile:
Someone who is not allowed within a court-determined distance of a record store.

“Hello, FYE employee. My name is Tim and I am required by law to inform you that I have recently moved into the neighborhood.”

Joint custody:
The one person in a group of friends who carries the weed.

“Hey, man, who’s got the weed?”
“Check with Eric, he has joint custody.”

Conscience:
Spanish for “with science.”

“He resuelto el problema conscience!”

Burrito:
A really, really tiny Mexican donkey.

“Aww, look at that burrito! We should kill it and wrap its delicious meat in a flour tortilla!”

Pedometer:
A device for measuring a person’s pedophilia.

“Before you can become a TSA employee, we just need to scan you with this pedometer.”

Minority Report:
A detailed breakdown of, but not limited to, blacks, Hispanics and Asians in a given area.

“We should check the minority report before we move there.”

Direction:
A man with two aroused penises.

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

Island:
Is not water.

“Is water?”
“Nope. Island.”

Have any words to which you’d like to give new definitions? Leave them in the comments or find me on Twitter!

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Once you go black.

Words cannot describe to you how absolutely fucking elated I am to have learned about this.

Have you ever wondered how much differently you would communicate if you were born with more than your fair share of melanin?

Have you ever been curious about going black, but never did for fear that you might never be able to go back?

Is your lame-ass white boy attempt at talking like a harmonious bone thug or someone whose first name is Lil, as bad as that seizing, lady-repelling shit you call “dancing”?

I’ve got just the thing. Friends, I give you GIZOOGLE.

GIZOOGLE isn’t just a resource, it is the resource when it comes to earning textual street-cred. From this site, you can translate paragraphs of text, search the Internet and even enter your favorite Web sites for GIZOOGLE to translate them to glorious ghetto-speak in their entirety.

To show you the power of GIZOOGLE, below is a paragraph from one of my earlier posts, To the Victor Goes Mediocrity:

But we don’t all win the jackpot, have kids (thank God), or go to college, so we have to make our own victories. We need to create our own list of things we can file under WIN at the end of the day so we know it was worth it to get out of bed. Personal victories for the average folks that few, if any, other people couldn’t give a shit about.

Throw that through the chrome spinners of GIZOOGLE and BAM. I be freestylin from mah momz basement.

But our phat asses don’t all win tha jackpot, have lil playas (thank Dogg), or git all up in college, so our crazy asses have ta make our own victories. Our thugged-out asses need ta create our own list of thangs we can file under WIN all up in tha end of tha dizzle so we know it was worth it ta git outta bed. Y’all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Personal victories fo’ tha average folks dat few, if any, other playas couldn’t give a shizzle about.

GIZOOGLE has now taken over the number one spot of my list of Things You Must Do On The Internet Every Single Day.

Sorry, porn.

So have a fucking field day. Post your favorite results in the comments. Or, if you’re just posting text, throw it through GIZOOGLE first!

Bathfood.

Let’s talk about poop for a second.

What? Friends talk about their poop. And it’s relevant. So stop being a whiny bitch.

Which type of shit-taker are you? Are you the type to pick up your smartphone for a quick game of Fruit Ninja? Do you have a newspaper or magazine you flip through? Post uncomfortably detailed tweets about the whole thing?

That’s right. I’m opening with poop. Everyone does it. There’s even a book on it so shut the hell up already.

Even apples poop. Deal with it.

I have a tendency to find anything I can within arms-length to grab and read while I’m taking the Browns to the Super Bowl. I’ll read the backs of toothpaste tubes, shaving cream, contact lens solutions — anything with words on it, really.  Even if it’s the same bottle of mouthwash over and over again, it doesn’t even matter, you guys.

In doing this one day, I noticed something. It seems as though most of my girlfriend’s bathroom products have more ingredients in them that can be used to bake a cake than to make hair silky-smooth, and I don’t understand it. The way some of the ingredients are presented on these bottles, you’d think it was a goddamn dessert.

That sounds fucking delicious. Throw some rum in there, blend with ice and pineapples and bam, a Piña Colada protein shake, you know, if the first thing you want to do after your workout is to get shitfaced.

I tried to marinate chicken with this once. We had to call poison control and had to have our stomachs pumped but it tasted absolutely divine.

Let’s see, what else do we have here…

Conditioner?  I thought it was a fancy new margarita mix.  Oh well.  Now my insides are all vibrant and silky-smooth.

Directions for use: Mix four parts Papaya and Lime Shine Conditioner with one part tequila.
Rinse. Repeat. Drunk.

Lotions

Look at these hand lotions! I don’t know whether to spread these on my toast or masturbate with them.

Okay, this one’s mine. Fuck you.

I swear there’s more food in my bathroom cabinet than there is in the refrigerator, you guys. There was more I was going to show you, but I ate the rest of it.

What are you using in the bathroom that you could also cook with?  Let me know in the comments!

To the victor goes mediocrity.

Life is ups and downs.

Sometimes it gives you vodka to go with the lemons it hands you, and other times it holds you down while it squeezes the lemon juice in your eye because you were too happy yesterday, and life demands balance so fuck you.

Life is victories and defeats.

Some victories rank higher than others in the well, good for you! category. These are noteworthy achievements or accomplishments, life-altering events that bring you praise or pats on the back, keys to the city or threatening Facebook messages from an ex fueled by a jealous rage — included but not limited to winning the lottery, getting married, having children (gross), graduating from college, or not being born into a Republican family.

But we don’t all win the jackpot, have kids (thank God), or go to college, so we have to make our own victories. We need to create our own list of things we can file under WIN at the end of the day so we know it was worth it to get out of bed. Personal victories for the average folks that few, if any, other people couldn’t give a shit about.

Things like:

1.) A morning shit that happens after breakfast but before a shower.

2.) A quick trip to Walmart that’s actually quick because they have more than two out of 30 checkout lanes open.

3.) The tip of your Johnson not touching the toilet seat rim while pooping in a public restroom.

4.) Making it through a round of radio channel surfing without hearing Thrift Shop.

5.) Not finding any man-sauce crusted in your toe hairs after rubbing one out in the shower.

6.) Not going over by a penny when attempting to stop at a whole dollar amount at the gas station.

7.) Not running out of milk before you run out of cereal.

8.) Peeing after having sex and not getting any on the walls/shower curtain/floor/ceiling/neighbor’s house.

Here’s to hoping you find your own small victory today. If you don’t get hit by a bus, you’re doing better than at least a few people.

What, seven billion people on this planet and you don’t think some of them were struck by a bus today? Don’t be dumb.

And now my pee smells funny.

Almost 28 years old and I still play with my food.

Asparagus is like, stupid good at Chess.